My brain told me this morning that if I restricted food today, I would feel better.  It also thought about going for a 10-mile run and wondered whether I could still do it and how it would feel after such a long break.

Wow. 

Where did that come from? 

The last few days have felt ‘squidgy’ (thanks Teri 😉).  I’ll come on to why, but in a nutshell, it’s been hard work keeping my sympathetic nervous system in check using all the new techniques I have learned, and this morning I questioned if the way I used to deal tough shit was easier.  Did I feel relief quicker and with less brain power required?

It’s been a whirlwind of a few weeks.  A family wedding, a camp over weekend with friends, a trip to Mexico, a weekend in London……  Oh and a new puppy!  It sounds fabulous doesn’t it?  Of course, on one level, every single second of all of it was fabulous.  But none of it was without continued hard work, vigilance and holding myself to account.  There is great distance between where my thoughts around food sat only a few months ago, and today.  Nevertheless, an event such as a wedding is still a challenge when food is a core element of the day, with little movement away from what is put in front of you.  The trip to Mexico was a holiday but not a holiday.  It was a retreat that I booked whilst still in treatment.  A ‘body image bootcamp’ consisting of two days of intense workshops around why we dislike our bodies, and how to begin to change the way we see ourselves. Culminating in getting naked and being photographed.  The weekend in London was no shopping trip.  It too was a profound weekend of learning and self-reflection as I completed my Reiki first degree.  In between the exciting times I have been continuing to work hard on peeling away the layers in which I have wrapped myself throughout my adult life; through self-care, meditation and time in nature.  And then work.  Back up to full time hours.  I’ve been going with the flow of it all, perhaps carried along by the adrenaline, despite the meditation.

And then something happened at work yesterday.   It wasn’t directly addressed, but in the context of highlighting that I had booked annual leave (another wedding) on two of the days, I was reminded that I should be on call out of hours for a week next month.  I haven’t thought about on call duty since my return to work.  It’s not a frequent requirement but nevertheless I dread it, largely because it isn’t specifically linked to my job role, so I worry that I will have no clue what to do.  The brief conversation made me cry.  Yes cry.  I never cry.  Perhaps the result of my weekend immersed in Reiki.  Whatever, it matters not why it made me cry, of more importance is the realisation it triggered.   The realisation that I am still working fucking hard every minute of the day to stay on track with recovery.  The time around work spent using all the techniques I have learned in recent months is crucial.  It’s non-negotiable.   The thought of that precious time being impacted, instilled a sense of panic, the return of fear that I have been working so hard to remedy.  I refer back to my previous post ‘Go Forth Naked’ in which I talked about how an outwardly ‘recovered’ appearance, can fool those around a recovering anorexic into thinking all is hunky dory, and therefore how important it is not to wear a mask but be honest about ongoing struggles. 

Since embodying the Reiki principles, I have felt a bit uncomfortable with ‘do your work with diligence’.  On the one hand, this is already in my veins, and to some extent responsible for the mess I got myself in. Yet on the other hand, I still always question if I am working hard enough.  So shall I reintroduce guilt to sit alongside the fear?  Guilt that if I make a fuss about the on call duty I’m not being diligent?  I’m being selfish and putting myself first above colleagues who will have to cover for me?  Am I shirking my responsibility and therefore I’m a failure and not good enough?

But hang on.  What if I apply ‘do your work with diligence’ to my recovery work?  What if I make that work just as important as ‘work’ work.  Perhaps the principle should be applied more broadly.  And so here is my second realisation.  I cried about it all again today so I haven’t nailed it yet but the intention is there at least.