Think of the last time someone paid you a compliment.  What was your reaction?  

“Thanks, but it’s an old top that I’ve had for ages”. 

“Thanks, but you wouldn’t say that if you saw me when I’ve just woken up”. 

“Really? I think I look awful”. 

“That’s not what I see in the mirror at all”. 

Or, if you are like me, you may be struggling to even remember the last time someone paid you a compliment because you are so instantly dismissive of them that they have zero chance of making it into your short term, let alone long-term, memory.   

Why do we do this?  

I was recently blessed with the opportunity of spending 5 days with 9 incredible women, in an incredible space, examining behaviours such as these and how over time they impact our sense of self-confidence and self-worth.  

Perhaps we feel uncomfortable with the narrowed focus of attention towards us.  Or we feel that to openly accept a compliment would come across as conceited.  Of course, most likely is that we simply don’t believe the complement to be true.   To unpick the latter would involve opening a whole can of worms around how and why we develop negative beliefs and I have touched on this in earlier blogs.  For now, think along the lines of pressure to conform to the ideals taught by society from very early on, and throughout our lives. 

Whatever our reason for dismissing compliments, every time we do so we reaffirm that we don’t deserve such praise and affection.  The neural pathways in our brains are further strengthened and it becomes a perpetuating cycle in that we become more and more likely to instantly dismiss any compliments that come our way.  

One of the incredible women I was fortunate to spend those special five days with shared some advice that she herself had recently been given.  Next time someone pays you a compliment, replace your usual retort with “of course, I’m pleased you noticed”.  It doesn’t come easy. You will find yourself having to think incredibly hard before opening your mouth.  This in itself highlights how deeply ingrained those automatic dismissive thoughts are.  It will also feel uncomfortable as if it’s a bit forbidden.  

The more you respond this way however, the easier it becomes as you begin to build new neural pathways.  You will actually begin to believe what you are saying.  If you make this a little social experiment, such as in my scenario, or simply with a group of friends, it has the added benefit of creating a wider environment of positive energy to absorb.  The love and warmth surrounding you will encourage more and more to spill of your mouth every time you open it!!!