Imagine you have gone for a walk in the countryside in an area with which you are not familiar.  You have been walking through fields and realise you are a little lost.  There are a few freshly trodden paths through the grass which head off in various directions, and there is also a disused railway line close by.  It’s a little hidden beneath some overgrown greenery but you decide to follow it because at least you know it will eventually lead you to civilisation; perhaps a village through which it once ran.

I had this dilemma in my brain last night.  I found myself suddenly in a bit of wobble, which to be fair, was probably a bit inevitable at some point during my first week back at work.  Returning to work was always, to a certain extent, going to put me back in that space I’d found myself in prior to being diagnosed with anorexia and starting treatment.  A bit like when a certain song or smell ignites a memory that transports part of your brain back to the original moment in time.

I am largely very happy to be back; it feels the right time and it has been lovely to back among colleagues who have shown me incredible support and kindness in recent months.  It is very early days and I have a lot of readjusting to do.  I absolutely know this but it does feel as though the new life I have carved for myself, and work, are poles apart, and I am nervous as to how, and even if, I will be able to blend the two harmoniously.  Having invested an incredible amount of time and energy into ‘finding’ myself recently, the predominant thought in my mind last night was “actually, who the fuck am I?”. I overheard a colleague speaking of an upcoming half marathon they are taking part in and it did make me feel a little uncomfortable.  That would have been me previously, but I made the decision early on in treatment to give up running because it is an activity which, for me, is too vulnerable to being hijacked by unhealthy motivations.  I have been quite happy with this decision and have even spoken recently of how I no longer feel jealous when I see other people out running and achieving their endorphin hit.  In fact, I feel quite sorry for them, wondering if they are being driven to compensate for a blockage or gaping hole somewhere in their life. I found myself yesterday however, questioning if maybe I would still enjoy a run. 

It has taken me a while after leaving work each day, to shift that work persona and remember all the new techniques I have learned to regulate my nervous system: the breathing, the mindfulness, the meditation, the acknowledging emotions but then letting them float down the stream, the somatic movement and the incense sticks!  This further emphasised the gap between the two worlds.  I started to feel a little overwhelmed by these thoughts and, despite everything I have learned, a part of me wanted to head out for a run and block it all out.  I felt a little out of control and so found my thoughts around food also straying into the danger zone; if I didn’t have an evening snack then at least I would feel in control of that aspect of my life. 

Thankfully I am able to recognise where these thoughts are coming from, what purpose they are trying to serve and that I must not act on them.  I resisted reverting back to that disused railway line, which is good job because had I followed it, I would have found that it lead me right back to where I started, when my goal was to journey somewhere new.  It did remind me, once again, that those neural pathways are still there and once again, I still need to work to not use them. They are not kidding when they say recovery is not linear.  On that note, tonight, I am off out to bang a drum around a fire pit 😆