Maybe not stark naked.  I mean, if you have the body confidence to do so, then kudos to you and I’m jealous! No, I mean without the mask.

One of my key observations worth noting this week has been linked to my upcoming return to work.  In many ways, I am excited, and I spoke about this in my previous post.  I’m looking forward to being back as part of what genuinely is a fantastic team.  On the whole it feels appropriate and the right time…. I think.  Or I thought so.  I mean it is, but am I sure?

I have made MASSIVE progress in overcoming anorexia and I absolutely need to make sure I acknowledge this.  However, a few happenings this week have once again rocked me and highlighted that it would be reckless of me to consider myself recovered.  

I had the most amazing impromptu evening on Monday night at a ‘Cacao, Meditation and Dance’ evening.  I stumbled across it completely by chance at the last minute and arranged to meet one of my fellow patients from the treatment programme there, thinking we would have a giggle if nothing else.  We had the BEST time; the content was bob on appropriate for where we both are right now, we drank some amazing cacao, sang sounds from our hearts (?!?!), said goodbye to what was hurting us through meditation, danced free, and perhaps most importantly, thoroughly enjoyed sharing together a taste of life outside of anorexia.  I woke up still on a high yesterday morning, ready to take on the world.  And then weekly weigh in happened.  Damn it!  It just does not get easier.  Despite the fact that in the last week I have: enjoyed lunch out twice, devoured hot chocolate three times, discovered that I like Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups, snaffled my daughter’s left over toast at breakfast, amongst many other wins, I still step on and off the scales wishing I could enjoy food freedom but stay skinny.  FFS!

Sometimes I feel like I’m not hungry when it comes to my ‘prescribed’ snack time and I’ve been finding it difficult to motivate myself to eat it now that engagement on the treatment programme has stepped down significantly in preparation for discharge.  Other times I eat my meal and feel like I think I’m full but could go on and stuff my face with the same again.  Sometimes I’m not sure if I’m hungry or not. 

There have been occasions in the last week where I have felt confused about where the line is between foods that I fear and foods that are simply just not to my taste.  I totally get why processed foods needed to be on my meal plan, and I have rediscovered some foods that will continue to feature as firm favourites.  There are also foods however, that I’m sure I just really don’t like and hence don’t particularly want to eat them.  But am I sure?  Or am I fearful?

This all tells me that I am not recovered.  Eating disorder cognitions are still there lurking and I still have some rewiring to do.  And this is where I need to be careful.  This is where I need to make sure that I don’t just stick a mask on and pretend I’m better.  On the outside, I do look much better and I’m eating.  For those around me, particularly those at work who haven’t seen me in five months and to whom the improvement will be most notable, it would forgivable to assume that I’m recovered.  And so whilst I have been talking very genuinely about how excited I am to go back to work and showcase the new me, I do need to consider if, to a certain extent, I am masking the thoughts that are still there.  It’s all well and good ‘acting opposite’ but I must, at the same time acknowledge what it is that I am acting opposite to or my brain won’t learn from it. I must not put out to others (or myself) that I am ready to take on the world because to do so would inevitably mean hiding behind a mask with the germs still on the inside.