Recovery is a gradual and subtle process.  You don’t wake up one morning and feel better.  In the early days you can’t imagine ever feeling any different and even several weeks in, you perhaps even feel worse at times; you’re eating what feel like enormous amounts of food whilst your brain is screaming at you not to, you’re putting weight on when your brain is still telling you it’s a bad idea and you’re not yet experiencing the pink and fluffy smiley times that you described in that letter you wrote to a friend from your future recovered self.

But then you get a glimmer; a peek at what life can be.  And then you get another.  Soon the glimmers add up to tip the balance in your brain so that you have seen enough of your potential future for the uncomfortable thoughts and feelings around food and weight gain to become more bearable.  I’m advised by credible sources that eventually, once fully weight restored, the glimmers win the tug of war and the eating disorder cognitions fade completely like a ghostly apparition returning to the other side.  I’m not there yet but I ‘trust the process’.

Glimmers can be big or small.

Glimmers can be going to the cinema and watching an entire film without having to fight your exhausted body as it tries to nod off because you’ve sat still for once.  Being present and absorbed in the film the entire time and truly appreciating the experience.  An even bigger glimmer can be making this a mummy and son date night, treasuring the time spent together and even going crazy and having pizza while you’re there!

Glimmers come when you get up in the morning and notice that you don’t feel compelled to run a half marathon but instead feel content with a yoga session.

Glimmers can be walking past the gourmet fudge shop on your way to the hairdressers, telling yourself you are going to go in and buy some on your way back, doing so, then eating some and appreciating how good it tastes.

When your coffee comes with a little biscuit on the side and you eat it instead of giving it away.  Perusing an Artisan food market, not motivated by mental hunger and obsessive thoughts about food, but for the enjoyment of it. Accepting samples and trying before you buy and actually being excited thinking about eating your buys.

When you see the look of embarrassment on your children’s faces as you dance around the kitchen, music full blast, just because you feel like it.  On that note, when you buy a space hopper just for the total silliness of it and your children can’t help but join you in having a go.

Glimmers come when you finish the first fiction book that you’ve read in years and smile because you’ve really enjoyed it and remember the pleasure of being lost in a book.

Glimmers can be when you giggle to yourself whilst lovingly moulding clay into questionable forms all in the name of celebrating bodies.  When you realise you have been sat still doing so for hours and feel accomplished.

When you go for a coffee with your mum, feel comfortable in being open and honest and enjoy sharing the lessons you are learning.

When you reconnect with friends, remember how the relationships enrich your life and feel like you might just be worth being friends with.

Glimmers show you how life can be without anorexia inhaling it like a dementor.  Glimmers give you hope.  Glimmers drive you to show up every day, keep fighting and repeat it to beat it.